My Daughter Taught Me A Lesson… Again

by | Mar 20, 2016 | Tennis Coaching

Usually, Sundays are when we (my two daughters and I) play practice matches. No more drills or technique instructions… just games and fun.

So I told my two daughters (Cezara and Bianca) that I would require them to play against their mother in a game with a 10-point tie-break and the winner would play against me for the “final” (playing against mother would be the semi-final :).

Bianca (my little one, who is 8 and a half) beat her mother easily. She played aggressively and gave my wife no chance.

But it came down to my older daughter, Cezara (who is now 10 years old)… she is very competitive but her nerves and her desire to over-achieve can be her greatest enemies.

Seeing that her younger sister beat her mother easily, she wanted to prove she could do it too. But those thoughts tightened her up and nerves took over.
Therefore, she played slowly (I’d say less than 50% of her power capabilities) and made most of the mistakes.

I could not believe when my wife beat her 10-2… easily. Most of the points were actually lost by Cezara.

When they shook hands at the end of the game, I went to her and this was the first thing I said: “Cezara, you played too slowly!”
She looked at me like I just hit her with a stick.
I could see that that was the last thing she needed to hear: a negative comment when she was already feeling miserable about her loss…

Even though I knew I should not have said it, considering it was a friendly family match, I thought that realistic feedback would help Cezara know why she lost.

But her reaction made me understand, again, that the last thing a player (student) needs to hear when they are upset is a negative comment.

It re-enforced my knowledge in the following regard:

– we should never say negative comments when teaching tennis or any kind of lesson to our children;

– feedback should be given only if asked or permission is granted (especially if it is about a negative action).

As a person who grew up being criticized a lot, I find it hard to keep things always positive. But I know that it can be learned with practice.

We just have to remind ourselves that positive words make a much better difference in someone’s performance and bring us closer to those who need them.
After all, we want our children to feel understood and loved. That can be done with words of love and an honest attitude.

What should I have said to my daughter after she lost a match that she should have easily won?
Maybe nothing… just a hug to show her that she is loved. And a smile.

Should she have asked me why she lost… I could have told her. But usually, players do not want to talk about losses. If they do, we should postpone the discussion until they cool off and some time has passed (maybe the next day).

Be careful when teaching children… What we say and how we react in front of them is always a lesson that can shape our relationships with them. Even their future…

Cosmin Miholca

Cosmin Miholca

Certified Tennis Coach

Check out my work at WebTennis24 where I share with you my best video tennis lessons, drills and tips for players, coaches and tennis parents.


  1. Peter Bailey

    A fascinating insight and it just goes to show how difficult some personalities can be.

    I just wonder if Bianca had lost would she have actually welcomed your feedback? My gut feeling suggests she is more robust and resilient as she performed at or near her best.

    I have seen this before with first and second born. Perhaps there is no explanation, although being inspired to follow or outshine an older sister could be a contributing factor.

    • Cosmin

      Peter, there definitely is a difference of personalities between my younger daughter and older one. Cezara (older) really cares not to lose when playing against her sister (even though this is now happening more often) while Bianca plays with nothing to lose attitude; which in long term really helps.
      I’ve seen this between me and my younger brother – we grew up competing against each other: my goal was to beat him no matter what even though I would be tentative and tense. In time, his relaxed attitude helped him develop more powerful strokes. The result: he became the better player.

  2. Steven Getshman

    As a former teacher of Physical Education if I have learned anything from young kids it’s that they pick up on every word and action that a teacher or adult speaks or takes. They will go home and let their parents know what was said or done both positive and certainly negative. It was good of you to realize that she was disappointed enough that she didn’t need to hear it from you at that time.

    • Cosmin

      I agree, Steven…


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